It's been awhile since I've written mostly because I can't stay awake long enough to write. First I could never sleep now it seems I can't ever stay awake. I don't know if it's a new symptom or just depression. Briana and my little sunshine moved back to CT. and it's so quiet without them here. We talk to each other on skype a couple times a day but I just miss holding her and having her crawl up on my lap. I'm sure she is having the time of her life getting to be with Daddy again but selfish MiMi is jealous lol.
It's getting closer to the time we get to go to the Mayo clinic and even though I refused to drive there and wanted to fly, guess who is driving?! I'm married 26 years and I still give in all the time because I swear men are worse then 2 year olds when they don't get there own way. He would be complaining the whole trip, if the shuttle to the hospital would be 2 mins late all I would hear would be" if I would have drove I'd have my car and we wouldn't be waiting"! I just couldn't handle listening to the whining the whole trip I have enough to worry about! Nicole is coming along to help him drive GOD HELP ME!!Just kidding Cole (insert nervous laugh here) If we get there in one piece it will be a miracle and I was really trying to save that miracle for the doctors to find a cure. I was really hoping Briana could go but with the baby it's just too much. This really ought to be a trip for the books. I plan on taking Xanax and zoning out for the whole 17 hours. Either that or I'll be on the phone to Briana bitching and crying the whole time how I'm never gonna make it there in one piece.
Well Louie is on leave right now and they are spending the week here so I'm trying to soak up the time I have left with them before they go back up for good now if I could just stay awake it would be great. Even taking another trip to the hospital for syncopal convulsions didn't help me stay awake, I came home sleeping even more. My days are flying by one into the next and I don't remember half of what's happened. I'm sad right now I feel like I'm missing so much of what is going on around me because I'm either asleep or I don't remember one day to the next.
I hope none of Briana's friends mind but I love reading your blogs, they make me laugh, some bring back memories of when the girls were young but mostly they make me happy that she has made a sort of a family up there. I'm glad she isn't alone and I know she said Kim sometimes reads my blogs so Hello Kim take care of my girls!
Well it's time to sleep again something new lol I'll write again soon with I'm sure some real exciting news (not) Love you Bran, Louie and My Sunshine Bella
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
So Much for the Brighter Days
OK well I gave it a shot alright, I tried to be all up beat till I went to the Family Dx and the Bitch told me that if she found out I was left alone with my boys at all and I passed out she would personally call Children and Youth on me and try and have the boys removed because I was putting them in an unsafe environment. Like that wasn't a slap in the face. For 25 years I have taken care of my own kids had a day care in my home taken in foster children adopted a child with Autism and a drug addicted baby and now I've become an unfit Mother because I pass out! She says I should only be responsible for me and no one else. Now you tell me what kind of Mother can just forget about her responsibilities to her children and put herself first. In my book those are the kind of mom's that should have their children taken away. So of course I start bawling my eyes out and she tells me I'm too stressed out! Really?! I didn't know that! A year ago I'm running around driving working out chasing the kids and now I can't stand for longer than a few minutes, I can't drive I'm in a wheelchair and your threatening to take my kids. Hm mm wonder why I'm stressed. Oh and by the way she thinks I'm a little depressed too... idiot!
So my wonderful daughter Briana did all the wash packing and got the house in order for us to come to CT for the homecoming bc I fractured my right hand on my last fall. I felt like a lazy ass but with Hitler Briana barking orders for me to sit every second I was afraid to get up to pee. Bless her though she was so stressed she got it all done and even packed the cars herself. God only knows how I am going to be able to do the two boys and keep the house going without her. Thank God Louie is such a great son that he brings them all home every weekend he can. I was actually getting worse than she was at the end I couldn't even talk to him on the phone without crying I really started to miss him. He has been apart of our family for so long now he is my son not my son in law and I missed being able to talk to him about being sick. About being afraid of whats to come the girls get to upset and don't want me to talk about it, but most of all I missed his hugs and how good he is with Jordan my son with Autism. Jor tells everyone that Louie is his best friend he just loves him so much.
Well its my last night here in CT and tomorrow I'm going to have to say goodbye to not just my daughter but one of my best friends. I never had that with my Mom so I'm so proud that I can say I feel like I can talk to Briana and Nicole about anything and that they feel the same way. Tomorrow is going to be so hard, I know it may sound dumb because we see them so often but after having them live with us its like letting them go all over again even worse because Bella is going too. I will miss having Bella wake me up every morning with her running into my room saying Hi Mimi up with the kisses and hugs and the I LOVE YOU TOO. I feel I have somewhat of an understanding of how these husbands must feel saying goodbye. Even though it's not 6 months for me it still breaks my heart saying goodbye and not seeing them everyday.
I'm very proud to say my son in law is a submariner not many men can do what he does, and I'm very proud of my family for being so strong with what they have had to deal with over the last year. I think I pray more for them then I do for me that the news is good in Feb at the Mayo Clinic. Especially since I just passed out and fell down Briana's stairs and twisted my ankle. She said she wasn't going to yell at me so I can't write about it in my blog lol but her red face said it all! At least she gets a 2 week break from me.
Has anyone heard of bubble wrapping your house?? Till next time lets hope for no more broken bones!
So my wonderful daughter Briana did all the wash packing and got the house in order for us to come to CT for the homecoming bc I fractured my right hand on my last fall. I felt like a lazy ass but with Hitler Briana barking orders for me to sit every second I was afraid to get up to pee. Bless her though she was so stressed she got it all done and even packed the cars herself. God only knows how I am going to be able to do the two boys and keep the house going without her. Thank God Louie is such a great son that he brings them all home every weekend he can. I was actually getting worse than she was at the end I couldn't even talk to him on the phone without crying I really started to miss him. He has been apart of our family for so long now he is my son not my son in law and I missed being able to talk to him about being sick. About being afraid of whats to come the girls get to upset and don't want me to talk about it, but most of all I missed his hugs and how good he is with Jordan my son with Autism. Jor tells everyone that Louie is his best friend he just loves him so much.
Well its my last night here in CT and tomorrow I'm going to have to say goodbye to not just my daughter but one of my best friends. I never had that with my Mom so I'm so proud that I can say I feel like I can talk to Briana and Nicole about anything and that they feel the same way. Tomorrow is going to be so hard, I know it may sound dumb because we see them so often but after having them live with us its like letting them go all over again even worse because Bella is going too. I will miss having Bella wake me up every morning with her running into my room saying Hi Mimi up with the kisses and hugs and the I LOVE YOU TOO. I feel I have somewhat of an understanding of how these husbands must feel saying goodbye. Even though it's not 6 months for me it still breaks my heart saying goodbye and not seeing them everyday.
I'm very proud to say my son in law is a submariner not many men can do what he does, and I'm very proud of my family for being so strong with what they have had to deal with over the last year. I think I pray more for them then I do for me that the news is good in Feb at the Mayo Clinic. Especially since I just passed out and fell down Briana's stairs and twisted my ankle. She said she wasn't going to yell at me so I can't write about it in my blog lol but her red face said it all! At least she gets a 2 week break from me.
Has anyone heard of bubble wrapping your house?? Till next time lets hope for no more broken bones!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Today has become a brighter day
Well New Year's was sad I had fallen again that day and bruised my kidney and was very depressed.I got into a fight with my daughter Briana because she blamed me for passing out. She lashed out that if I would just sit down I wouldn't keep passing out and hurting myself. She then yelled she didn't feel sorry for me as I'm laying on the floor in agony because I had hurt my ribs again and landed on the legs of my wheelchair on my back and my back was killing me. I started yelling back that things needed to get done and I just can't stand just sitting here all the time looking at all the stuff laying around. The wash that needs to be done, the dusting, my boys still needed fed, needed drinks, Jordan needed his medicine. I know she is helping me all the time and Nicole helps when she isn't working but I'm not the type to just sit here. They just can't seem to understand how hard it is to have a really active mind but a body that doesn't cooperate. I know it's hard on them but how would they like to be in my shoes. It just sucks all around! After I finally got up off the floor I went to bed to take more pain medicine which sometimes I think is starting to become to much a part of my day! My body hurts all over from so much falling that I can't seem to move if I don't take something.
Anyway the girls left to go to the store to get snacks for New Years Eve and my mother in law who for years I couldn't get along with has now become one of my closest friends came over. She had called and heard how down I sounded and came over to cheer me up and while she was here threw in a turkey for us. After talking things out with her I can see Briana's side she has so much going on. Her husband has been deployed for the last 6 months he is finally coming home and she is so anxious to go home to CT to be with him but worried about leaving me here to cope with the the boys while my husband and Nicole work. We have spent every night for the last 6 months together her and Bella my granddaughter it's going to be hard to let them go.
So midnight came we were all here I cried I'm afraid what the New Year is going to bring, she cried her husband is God knows where, Nicole was upset she is still looking for that perfect guy, Keith got a little teary from all the stress he is under. And the boys being younger were all tucked in bed.
Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed and I had a lot of time to reflect and I've come to some conclusions. Yes, there is something wrong with me and we still aren't sure what. I'm not going to find out till I go to the Mayo Clinic on Feb 24Th so until then if the house isn't perfect oh well! I'm going to spend the next week enjoying the time that my granddaughter is still here living with me. Try to keep my ass on the couch and my spirits up. I'm lucky that I have a family that cares enough about me to yell at me to sit down and that I'm not alone with no one yelling at me to take of myself.
So to anyone that reads this I'm taking it one day at a time, one fall at a time and I'm going to start trying to enjoy one day at a time!
Anyway the girls left to go to the store to get snacks for New Years Eve and my mother in law who for years I couldn't get along with has now become one of my closest friends came over. She had called and heard how down I sounded and came over to cheer me up and while she was here threw in a turkey for us. After talking things out with her I can see Briana's side she has so much going on. Her husband has been deployed for the last 6 months he is finally coming home and she is so anxious to go home to CT to be with him but worried about leaving me here to cope with the the boys while my husband and Nicole work. We have spent every night for the last 6 months together her and Bella my granddaughter it's going to be hard to let them go.
So midnight came we were all here I cried I'm afraid what the New Year is going to bring, she cried her husband is God knows where, Nicole was upset she is still looking for that perfect guy, Keith got a little teary from all the stress he is under. And the boys being younger were all tucked in bed.
Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed and I had a lot of time to reflect and I've come to some conclusions. Yes, there is something wrong with me and we still aren't sure what. I'm not going to find out till I go to the Mayo Clinic on Feb 24Th so until then if the house isn't perfect oh well! I'm going to spend the next week enjoying the time that my granddaughter is still here living with me. Try to keep my ass on the couch and my spirits up. I'm lucky that I have a family that cares enough about me to yell at me to sit down and that I'm not alone with no one yelling at me to take of myself.
So to anyone that reads this I'm taking it one day at a time, one fall at a time and I'm going to start trying to enjoy one day at a time!
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